Showing posts with label nutshell-meanderings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nutshell-meanderings. Show all posts

Thursday, 6 December 2007

mandarines


My best friend the hedgehog
Has got a toothache
Two days ago it started with a dull throb
It will pass he said to me
His optimism is most exemplary
Cheek swollen, sleepy from medication
That does not help as much as it should
Walks around and have not known him
As liquid somehow
Apparent dejection through pain induced
Eats very little
Speaks but when he laughs it hurts him
The enamel is not as strong as it should be
Acidity and sweetness in time
It will pass do not worry please
Still
I wish I could do more than feed him
Mandarines and tell stories about
Chickens and having one’s hair
Disentangled

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

adulthood


I had a dream where we buried someone. They were put into a white coffin. I arrived to the ceremony mid-way, and did not see whose funeral this was. It had been an unnatural death, and in people’s faces I not only read bereavement, but deep shock also. I awoke with a startling grief weighing me down, and the stark vision of candles lit remained with me for days. It was a youth that died. Youth itself may well have been put to its grave, who knows? The youth of my project?
If a project grows like a person, mine has just reached adulthood. How do you define that? Making decisions that you would have rejected earlier in your life, and accepting the consequences, instead of being raging of Sturm and Drang. Doing the job even though the initial enthusiasm has gone. Sticking to the promise despite a million ambivalences. Tuning down expectations to realistic levels. Loving the person despite your own and their own weaknesses. But being a bit disappointed sometimes, mostly of myself and my own limitations. Being a bit self-ironic in one’s momentary, slightly shameful admission that this is how it is even though it should not be. And of course I am only talking about my project.
and as a reply to aaron: i do a lot of silly things all the time... it seems that i am sometimes very solemn on my blog, but that's just a cover...my relationship to writing is the following: once i have written it, i conveniently forget all about it, and it helps me cope with everyday life. well it is a kind of oblivion that is semi-permanent.

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

3 a.m. (like the matchbox 20 song)


As a consequence of sleeping pretty much all day to get my fever down and keep my head from exploding, I am wide awake now. I am headacheless through seventeen-hour-sleepy-spontaneous-remission-therapy. Monica and me spent time drinking tea and nibbling biscuits until well after midnight. We talked research, writing, people. I am actually so highly awake that my thoughts are racing. Everything is potentiality. I think in the dark and I imagine the entire neighbourhood population of socialist blocks around me fast asleep. I like the calm of the dead of the night. It is the time for second chances, a time with so much space it makes you feel little. I feel my stomach tingling. I turn on the light. I write, again.
I really feel fieldwork ending. Lots to do before the end of the year. I will cross the gates to the Orient, as they say here, then return home. Life takes me back to Scotland, and I will start writing the actual thesis. I may have reconciled myself with that thought. I have lots of material, I have lots of ideas, it is ‘merely’ a matter of putting them into a coherent, rigorous, beautiful fashion. Sayeth she, but little did she know.
And then, maybe, hopefully, slowly, I will get, like Aino said, to the more important things in life. I am not sure how it will work out, leaving here is the first step. I will get there in the end. Sayeth she, and tried to look at the stars, failing, for being in the city, in a flat, surrounded by concrete. Can we wish upon the stars if we do not see them? Course we can. Sayeth Paul Eluard:

‘La nuit n’est jamais complète.
Il y a toujours, puisque je le dis,
Puisque je l’affirme,
Au bout du chagrin
Une fenêtre ouverte,
Une fenêtre éclairée,
Il y a toujours un rêve qui veille,
Désir à combler, faim à satisfaire,
Un coeur généreux,
Une main tendue, une main ouverte,
Des yeux attentifs,
Une vie, la vie à se partager.’

Sayeth she: here’s another reason to start a new day in a few hours. Bonsoir. Bonne nuit.

Monday, 5 November 2007

Absence, of Myself, from Myself, from the World

This week it has been hard to justify, even to myself, im stillen Kämmerlein, what the use of anthropology is, and what its methodological advantages, if any, are, in relation to a project like mine. I find it hard to see what I should be doing for the little time I have got left on the field, and I find it enormously difficult to face people in this state of being. I alternate between hitting the wall with my head to think clearly, and giving up, watching films I never wanted to see. Part of me just wants to hibernate, preferably until 2009. Another part just wants to live, in the here and now, and not always think, oh need to remember this as it happens, to write it down. The PhD gets in the way of living, for now.
All this is enormously destabilising, and makes me bite my nails and curse my consequential re-fledgling shyness. It feels like social life around me has no interest at all, goes (more than ever) into all directions. What is worse, it cannot capture my being, for the moment. Life-as-lived-here would need to ‘get to me’, but I feel my brain is woolly, I am more passive than I’d like to, I cannot seem to find the questions that would need to be voiced. I avoid. I hate my phone. I stare at the page, and forget to note down millions of things. I do not understand my scribbles. I am unsure about what words I need to use in English to express what I mean. I wonder about things that I cannot solve here and now, theoretical framework, structure of argument, number of chapters. I cannot take in what happens. I fail to discern the events that matter. Consequently, there is little eventfulness, of consequence, on the surface. My daydreams tell me otherwise, but when I rush to note it down, it is gone. I feel under- and overstimulated simultaneously.
I went to the mountains to get my concentration back. To think in the quiet, with only the fire and the wind rustling my thoughts. I walked and the regular pace of the steps eased my breathing. I even felt happy. On return I found, however, that my focus was still gone, and that I wanted to do anything but attend to the confusion. I told David that I was becoming world class at procrastination, then I went to my neighbour and broke down crying for no real reason in the middle of a conversation. As a consequence I felt ashamed of my own weakness, and my obsession to emulate no less than a supergirl, and the way in which les tout petits soucis seemed, at that moment, life-threatening. Who can I tell here, without shame of my own privilege, my position, my self-imposed project of little importance?
Neither has there been an obvious, event-like reason for this ‘wholesale’ questioning. If I try to give it some perspective: it is true that something like it has accompanied me for the entirety of the PhD project, but it peaks at certain times. Why now is a difficult question, and to be quite frank, I have no idea. Again I can feel myself being much less of an actor than I want to be, much more a product of personal history, enriched by circumstances, moods of season, acts of bacteria and exposure to northern breeze. I read somewhere that postgrads have stress levels similar to soldiers in battle, which I find entirely plausible. I shall learn to manage them better. I find we should have gotten some proper training for this, not just classroom-based, but practical. Furthermore, I think lone anthropology should be abolished. It would be much better to have teams of people, I think the dynamics (of all kinds) would be much better both for the project and the researchers involved, especially beginners.

Stress
ORIGIN Middle English (denoting hardship or force exerted on a person for the purpose of compulsion): shortening of distress , or partly from Old French estresse ‘narrowness, oppression,’ based on Latin strictus ‘drawn tight’ (see strict )

Thursday, 25 October 2007

‘Stii ce mai face copilul tau?’ and Structural Violence

In Romania, the economic pressures ‘produce’ children that are without a lot of perspectives, especially in rural areas. Not only is there very little support to ensure that the children can finish secondary school, so that for some, 8 classes effectively mean the end of the possibility of schooling. Reasons: the secondary schools are further away, and the options of commuting or staying at a family are too expensive.
Children are also the big losers of the race for jobs abroad (4 million Romanians abroad is an estimation, total population 21 million). They are left to the care of family, grandparents, or older siblings, while their parents do slave labour in Italy or Spain. There are families who are getting on better, and who do white work abroad, who have been gone longer, but those who have gone more recently, who do black work are more precarious. Of course, the parents being stressed to make a living also affects the children, and I would like to suggest that the degree to which this is happens here is higher than in the UK, for instance, even though child poverty as far as I remember is highest in Scotland as far as Western Europe is concerned.
Juxtaposition: one of these mornings, I read in the newspaper (Gindul 22.10.07) that some NGOs with programmes aimed at children in need (protection of the child I think is the technical term) had ‘lost’ billions. The National Authority for the Protection of the Child works with two main NGOs (SERA, Pentru Copii Nostri), and they were supposed to finish building, until 2006, 16 day care centres for abandoned children. In August 2007, a report showed that 4 of these were functioning. The rest do not exist, are being constructed, or have the buildings finished but without utilities. One case in Ilfov: here sheltered housing was supposed to be created for children with special needs. The building is illegal (the land not being properly put into possession), 75% of the money has been spent, and the houses are no more than a few walls, and a foundation. The responsibilities are pushed from one authority to the other…
At the moment, on private TV channel has a campaign is on entitled ‘do you know how your child is getting on?’. It is I guess aimed at sensitising people that children suffer a lot: from abandonment generally, growing up in rural areas where there are two or three children left in a village, being under considerable psychological stress, and having their options effectively limited even more. When I see these children, I get really sad and angry. You can see that they are uncared for, neglected, possibly subjected to violence, their hands are like hands of adults, rough and overworked, they don’t go to school often because they are sent to work, helping with the sunflower harvest, for instance.
I met one girl (6) who was upset all the time. You could see her anger in her face and every move she made. She had stopped speaking to everyone, including her grandmother who she lived with her during her mother’s absence. Her mother had been in Italy for a long time, and then ended up coming home having spent most of the money earned there on living.
Another girl (5) told me that children are easy to make, but difficult to raise. She said, I go to bed very late, and I cannot fall asleep without the TV. Her parents have a combined income of 60 euros. This pays just about the electricity and the firewood.

Sunday, 21 October 2007

Let me go home…





“Another autumn day has come and gone away”
In case of overdose consult your cliche-doctor.
Sun with teeth. Corn and cabbage and carrots.
Wood clippings. Blades. Clouds.
Cold clothes dry slowly now.
I ate a walnut and thought of you.

It must be the time.
The age of wanting a home of one’s own.

Momentarily I feel heavy of decisions to be made.
Trece timpul. Zboara mintea. Trece timpul.
My mantra for the slow hours.
Constancy. Change. Constancy. Choice.
Take your pick. Autumn sale is on.
Hurry, hurry, for you might miss the deal.
Calm down your life is in your hands.

Is it? Alternative scenarios told daily.
Let us presume that
Tout est pour le mieux dans le meilleur des mondes possible.
Imi linisteste sufletul idea aceasta pana dimineata.
Adorm mai bine cu tine in gind.

I prepare the awkward homecoming dance.
M-intorc singura.

P.S. For fellow postgrads, compulsory reading here.

Thursday, 18 October 2007

correspondances


to correspond = to pledge (spondere) + together (co) + again (re) [from medieval Latin]

Pledge
verb
1 [ trans. ] commit (a person or organization) by a solemn promise
• [with clause ] formally declare or promise that something is or will be the case
• [ intrans. ] solemnly undertake to do something
• [ trans. ] undertake formally to give
2 [ trans. ] Law give as security on a loan
3 [ trans. ] promise to join (a fraternity or sorority)
4 [ trans. ] archaic drink to the health of.

ORIGIN Middle English (denoting a person acting as surety for another): from Old French plege, from medieval Latin plevium, perhaps related to the Germanic base of plight

Plight
noun
a dangerous, difficult, or otherwise unfortunate situation

ORIGIN Middle English : from Anglo-Norman French plit ‘fold.’ The -gh- spelling is by association with plight

verb [ trans. ] archaic
pledge or promise solemnly (one's faith or loyalty).
• ( be plighted to) be engaged to be married to.

ORIGIN Old English plihtan [endanger,] of Germanic origin; related to Dutch plicht and German Pflicht ‘duty.’ The current sense is recorded only from Middle English, but is probably original, in view of the related Germanic words


isn’t that beautiful?

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Everyday Threads


Imagination is a beautiful, faithful, constant companion. It is maybe not the best word to describe what I mean: it is about making present what is not immediately visible to the eye. Which does not mean it does not interact with that which is visible, is moved by it, away from it. It works also, I believe, in some psychological states, independently from it. It helps to maintain connections between things and persons not present in the visible environment, being temporarily or permanently departed. It helps to build pasts and presents through memory. It can be propelled into activity through singing, dancing, talking, being quiet. The movement of beginning awareness (unreflected most of the time) can happen on the outside, the passing of a bird, the sound of a steam liner, the touch of a cat’s fur; or it happens interiorised, a memory triggers another one, seemingly unlinked to the world of perception. This is what happens in dreams. In a daydream, a funeral, desire, a fat snake moving semi-underground, coloured like a fire salamander (I kicked it, and it turned into a dog…), an army of children, and family. These were the elements (of course, also post-conceptualised). On waking up, I spun the threads and turned them into narrative, telling them to my friend. I gave them some cake to give to someone who had fixed my bike. Someone’s voice wandered over the fence, and called for Tio, who came and went to make hay with her niece the next day. She was reminded of the time she got married, years back, to a good man she learned to respect but never loved. They passed the chapel along the road, crossed themselves, thought, briefly, of those departed, and mumbled a prayer for the living.
I got used to this place. It feels like I have been here for all time, and I agree with Aino: I cannot imagine myself anywhere else either. I will miss it immensely. I followed the challenge to be tamed, for better or worse. I am still working out the implications. One thing is certain, however, despite these flights of the imagination, I will leave, in a little over three months. I am also still working out the implications of that (bloody researchers… never finished, never concluding…). Yours in all happy vagueness, fx-shell

Monday, 8 October 2007

Thursday, 4 October 2007

emotions


Strong emotions, I think, do not leave us, once we have gone through them. They remain. They never fade. They are merely backgrounded, to be reactivated on occasion. This is why they can appear so scary. ‘When the truth is, I miss you.’
We are all wrestling with the fractures we carry with ourselves. Nothing out of the ordinary. Life in all its messiness. Like Peter Panter (Kurt Tucholsky) has said:
“Nicht nur du allein. Nicht nur ich allein. Jeder hat, um es mit einem Wort zu sagen, die unaufgeräumte kleine Schublade, auf die jeder so stolz ist, als habe er sie ganz allein.” (Uhu, Jg. 7, Heft 9, Juni 1931, S. 72-76)
I am feverish again today, after a long time of feeling good. It blows all emotions out of proportion; it makes me fragile and wishing I was not here. I will sleep it off.

Saturday, 22 September 2007

In Light Of…

‘Gilles Deleuze (1995) has suggested that contemporary societies are no longer disciplinary, in the sense identified by Foucault – they are societies of control. Where discipline sought to fabricate individuals whose capacities and forms of conduct were indelibly and permanently inscribed into the soul – in home, school or factory – today control is continuous and integral to all activities and practices of existence. In the field of health, the active and responsible citizen must engage in a constant monitoring of health, a constant work of modulation, adjustment, improvement in response to the changing requirements of the practices of his or her mode of everyday life. These new self-technologies do not seek to return a pathological or problematic individual to a fixed norm of civilised conduct through a once-off programme of normalisation. Rather, they oblige the individual to engage in constant risk management, and to act continually on him or herself to minimise risks by reshaping diet, lifestyle and now, by means of pharmaceuticals, the body itself. The new neurochemical self is flexible and can be reconfigured in a way that blurs the boundaries between cure, normalisation, and the enhancement of capacities. And these pharmaceuticals offer the promise of the calculated modification and augmentation of specific aspects of self-hood through acts of choice.’
(Rose, Nikolas – Becoming Neurochemical Selves, p. 28)

Saturday, 1 September 2007

The Fall. Reprise.


[caption on photo: Rumaenische Bauern vor ihrer Huette - postcard from the interwar period i would guess, maybe earlier]
In interviews I have recurrently encountered a certain kind of story about the ‘sat romanesc’, the Romanian village, as well as the Romanian peasant. It is a story remindful both of Christian mythology such as the Fall, where the taint of sin remains, and portrayals of the ‘noble savage’ where the subject in question oscillates back and forth between being pure, being fallen, and needing to be saved.
As in other mythical stories, this typological village is presented, despite numerous pieces of evidence to the contrary, like a unit that has existed since the beginning of time, where there have been no substantial changes since recently. Of course… Define recently. Define change. Define beginning of time.
But let us consider the grounding of the hypothesis for a moment. It is a story of innocence, corrupted, of eternity, interrupted, of paradise, lost, of angels, fallen. ‘Vesnicie s-a nascut in sat’ (eternity was born in the village). I dramatise to make the point, which is allowed. Example: ‘People have made cheese in this way for thousands of years’.
A presumed horizon of permanence is invaded with a sense of change, spiced up with loss, confusion and the shifting of boundaries and moralities. ‘Back in the days, we used to have ‘hore’, none of these discos, where no one is supervising’. ‘People have always made cheese like this and now they’re saying we’re not allowed anymore’. ‘… and now the eternity has been ended by us/them’.
One old guy tells me, well you know, this modern lifestyle isn’t very healthy, look at how many people are ill! There’s never been so many illnesses around. If this argument is made, it is often omitted that, actually, life as a peasant is pretty rough, because the state, the emperor, the landlord were never particularly forthcoming vis-à-vis this category of people. More cake for the peasants! More life span! More medication! (I just wrote a typo ‘meducation’, which screams for a post of its own… passons!)
When you look at nineteenth century sources (from Durandin 1995), despite agrarian reforms, people were not doing so well in the countryside. The rural idyll, in close-up, is lessened. Modernity plays in cities, not on the fields.
‘Les temps où l’on disait: “si vous voulez voir un type d’homme bien portant, allez dans les campagnes” sont passés. Sur toutes les physiognomies, enfants, vieillards, on ne lit que fatigue physique, langueur, chloroanémie, ils sont vieillis avant l’âge et one le moral très abattu. J’ai tâché de connaître la cause, et partout j’ai vu la misère. Tous ont tant de dettes qu’ils ne savent comment les payer’ (p.165).
A study of the ‘Economic and Social Situation of the Peasant in Romania’ (much like those published by the European Commission these days… ;-)) published in 1895 has a bit of statistics that tell ofs the physical state of the peasantry.
‘Reprenant les résultats des recencements des années 1869, 1874, et 1879, il indique qu’en 1869 un tiers des conscripts n’atteignent pas la taille de 1,57m requise pour le service; en 1879, un tiers se situent au-dessous de 1,54m. Il déplore aussi la multiplication des cas d’idiotisme [linked to lack of iodine, and thyroid dysfunction from birth] et de syphilis’ (p.165).
Agrarian revolts were never mentioned in the interviews, even though a lot of them happened in Romania in the last decades of the nineteenth century, and one particularly violent one in 1907. We are at the limits of narrative life-story methodology, because it does not go back far enough in time to appreciate, and so history books and historical sources are important supplements to go back further in time than 70 years at most. This spans, at best, a bit of time before communism was established. The horizon of reference of the interviews can be communism – post-communism. The nationalist, populist, and fascist politics of the turn of the century and anything earlier do not get an appreciation, also taking into account the way in which history education under communism had its own twist, legitimating the regime in place.
A few points emerge:
In Romania a complicated mythology exists around people’s historical origins, usually to be found in the countryside. Livelihoods: peasantry, agricultural work, commerce.
This mythology is both appropriated by the people left out by the recent changes in legislation due to European Union demands, and national policy, to affirm that the conservative, traditional elements have a value, and that they need to be protected, without, however, having much leverage power to put this into practice on their terms.
It is also appropriated not only by people representing the authorities, but also by people living in the countryside who are not peasants (who may consider themselves ‘intellectuals’ or city people who have worked in industry) that the people in question (‘peasants’) are inappropriate, that they need to modernise, to change, to adapt, in order to profit. They are considered backward, uncivilised, uneducated.
Funnily enough, the people who fall into the second category are also arguing for the salvation of the Romanian village, because it is the seat of the traditions, of popular music, poetry, architecture and dance. What exactly is there ‘to save’? So we save the traditions in a purified form and we discard the peasants? To me it sounds a bit like fission that removes the characteristics of the original substance and creates something else altogether. If, that is, substance is the right word to use here.
There is, it seems, nothing new under the sun. The French-educated historian Nicolae Iorga, who played a role in creating nationalist sentiments in pre-Balkanic-wars-Romania, directs, from 1903, the periodical ‘Samanatorul’, which promotes a socially and morally engaged national literature. In it, rural values are celebrated: the peasant is the vector of continuity, of collective memory and of respect of tradition. He is the figure of resistance against decadence, foreign pollution, and the anonymity and misery of the cities.
I am reminded of Justin Kenrick’s lectures and the idea of closure, that it had to be either idealist and pure, or materialist and wicked. I want an appreciation not centred on these opposites begetting opposites begetting opposites and not much light, though I understand that people want to make one argument, not the other. I have the anthropology illness, of not wanting to decide for one side… doesn’t make me a good interviewee as I recently found out… ;-)

Sunday, 5 August 2007

soft symmetry secure love

“try to catch the deluge in a paper cup” (crowded house)

the rains have come back and it smells like winter mid-august the summer ended
we have been walking in the dirt and your presence evened my frustration
romania is complicated every sentence requires too much application excavation
I think of scotland my lack of concentration is apparent in every skin cell
why scotland it is not that which I left – a mere figure in a set cast of cowardice
the returning question of why love-labours wax and wane
when I truly long for them to remain how can I align my desires with my past
I wish I could still believe human lives were made of permanence and stability
I drift tepid gazing faraway where does my work end and life begin
thoughts of other times and place weighing on this room this belly
lingering by my side you feel me as though you had known me all your life
you ask why I am not present
I want to be there fail and am nowhere with all my heart

Monday, 30 July 2007

Evolution Take 2? Summerlach Take 3?


What the seagulls are up to in Aberdeen now. This one is probably the ame seagull that stole a noodle pie out of my hand in the centre of Aberdeen, and flew away with it. I still hold a grudge against it. As you can see, no good will come of this, now they've become truly Scottish and eat crisps for lunch...
(found by Luqman)

Academic correctness

This is a professional deformation that leads people to put too much weight on the academic truth content of what it being said. It is something most regular people don’t really care about all that much, though there may be variations. I sometimes get upset too quickly about the things that I research, when, in my opinion, people are talking out of their a***. These are things I value, things I have put in all my effort to get at a subtle understanding of how things work with all their complications and reservations and exceptions. I shouldn’t put too much weight on people not directly involved in the research, and who, for some reason think they can just patronise me for one reason or another. Recently I met one man who drove a BMW X3, had an extremely young girlfriend/wife, and who was being evasive when I asked him what he did in Sibiu, and how it was to live there (so much for my impression – the context was a breakfast table of a former Mayor of the village, a friend of my friend had suggested we pop into his courtyard before meeting the others in the morning of the dance, on the occasion of my accompanying the cultural formation of the village I live in to a festival in the mountains near Sibiu in a shepherd village). When I explained what I did in Romania, said: oh, I’ll tell you what European integration means for animal husbandry: a fall in the animal population. And he threw around numbers that were just taken out of the air. For him that was the end of it. How do you react to that usefully? What do I do with this encounter? Is it to be included in my research? Why? Why not?
People say things for all kinds of reasons and these may include the following: you say what you say because you want to or because it is your deep conviction or because you want to impress the conversation partner, or you want to say it because you want to assume a certain position in the discussion, the previous bit of the conversation forces you to say this, you want to make a point, you are being stroppy or stubborn or obnoxious or pleasant or chatty, you haven’t told anyone what you are really feeling about a certain person, you are gossipy by nature, you want to get a certain reaction or some other ‘gain’ from the conversation, you want to tease out a bit of detail that interests you and that has remained hidden in the conversation, you are bored and want to fill time with talk, you think this is what they want to hear, you want to cover up something else and think that noise about something else will do the trick, you are tired and you made a mistake, retrospectively, you seek closure in the conversation they initiated, because you think that it does not go anywhere if you pursue it on your own terms and that it will exclude most people around the table. With this guy, I politely sought closure and asked the host about the stuff she was serving.
How on earth are we supposed to do meaningful research with people and expect, as an outcome, to have even a grain of dust to stand on and say ‘what I say here is correct’. It is a dead end, because it undermines the anthropologist’s expert status which is highly valued in the world and brings up all kinds of awkward questions related to the value of our own research. Despite all efforts of so-called ‘collaborative’ methodology and what not, in the end you write the damn thing all by yourself, sign it, and are examined on correctness of argument, details and interpretation. And then, who is going to look at and read what we write about? I am working so the answer will not be: two anthropology students, one in London who was interested in the keyword ‘Romania’, the other in Stirling, she made a mistake with the catalogue; three family members, because they felt they needed to; and two bookworms in the British Library, because they liked the taste of the paper. They didn’t like the interpretation because it was not post-structuralist enough.

Saturday, 21 July 2007

dreaming


I have noticed that I appear to dream less on fieldwork, which is probably related to my level of tiredness. I more generally seem to dream less as I get older, passing, however, through phases where I sleep shakily and dream my anxiety.
In my new village, I sleep a lot at the moment. Romania is on a heat wave, and, due to some kind of flu, I am on antibiotics. When my feverish body temperature coincides with that of the environment, it is impossible to think, let alone to go out and meet people. Because my thoughts are so hazy, and my concentration patchy, I have a hard time following what they are saying, let alone participating in the conversation in a meaningful way. I had a nap in the afternoon to make it through the hottest hours of the day. On waking up I still remembered my dream, which has not happened in a long time. The visuality of this dream takes my breath away. How could I have dreamt this up if I could never paint it? I was in a car made only of windows with my family. We were on a beautiful journey through high mountainous lands in the clouds with the sun painting very stark colours, and long shadows, and, somewhat in contradiction, the landscape was made up of lush vegetation of fruit trees, flowers, bushes and age-old trees, haystacks, and little houses crowded in the valleys. You could almost taste this landscape. It was wonderful to drive the winding roads and see the shepherds. It was like the perfect idyll until someone said that my former clarinet teacher had a house down one of the roads. Picture: Isle of Skye, spring 2005

chronicle in stone

Written by Ismael Kadare, it won the 2005 Booker Prize. I stumbled across it thinking I had not read enough about the Balkans. To be more precise, Albanian literature in my world is summarised by a few brief translated poems. The world in a city entirely made of stone that, in the course of the book, becomes sick, and bombarded, and rained on, seen through the eyes of a boy who (rightly) thinks that adult talk is boring, and strange (‘Italy is showing its claws’), and who at first likes fighter planes, even if they bombard other cities over the clouds. He also wants to read Jung because ‘he writes about magic’. It contains a description of an air raid that is more than amazing. It tells of women who stay indoors for years and years and of rain smiling secretly. It has sequences of sentences that we all dreamed about: ‘I looked at my hands. They were more nervous than I was. I put them in my pockets.’
The protagonist spends long days with his friends dreaming and wandering:
'His voice was deep and soothing, and as I leaned against the chaise longue, I dreamed of the magic of tobacco and tried to figure out how much I would smoke and how many books I would have to read in Turkish before my time to die would come. The thick books lay in the trunk, piled one on top of the other, an endless swarm of Arabic letters waiting to carry me off and reveal secrets and mysteries, for only Arabic letters knew the path to the mysteries, just as ants know the holes and fissures underground. '
‘Babazotti,’ I asked, ‘can you read ants?’ He chuckled softly and patted my tousled hair.
‘No, boy, you can’t read ants.’
‘But why not? When they’re all piled up together, they look just like Turkish letters.’
‘It only seems that way, but it’s really not true.
‘But I’ve seen them’, I insisted one last time.
As I drew on my cigarette, I wondered what ants were for if you couldn’t read them like books.
He then reads his first book (Macbeth), does not want to stop and then dreams about the letters:
‘You sleep, I’m going to read.’
‘No’, she said, ‘we don’t have enough kerosene.’
I couldn’t go to sleep. The book lay nearby. Silent. A thin object on the divan. It was so strange… Between two cardboard covers were noises, doors, howls, horses, people. All side by side, pressed tightly against one another. Decomposed into little black marks. Hair, eyes, legs and hands, voices nails, beards, knocks on doors, walls, blood, the sound of horseshoes, shouts. All docile, blindly obedient to the little black marks.
He swears at his puppy love and then has a crush on the woman who steals and who shows him a falling star:
To tell the truth, a star falling from the sky made about as much impression on me as a button falling off a coat, for Margaritas’s thick hair was spread across my neck and her hair, her whole body, had a subtle fragrance I had never noticed on Mamma, Grandma, or any of my aunts. Nor was it like any of the other smells I liked best, including the aroma of my favourite dishes.'
I haven’t used my ‘a book about xyz’ sentence yet and I would hate not to be up to your expectations. A book about writing, about pain, about magic and witchcraft, about permanence and transitoriness, about resilience and death.

Friday, 6 July 2007

Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A nice epitaph no more no less
Are these your thoughts in your temporary anger?
You ask what the title is? Add ‘I have come on invitation
Of a friend Would not mind a summary’
The title resembles something along the lines of romantic tale
Meets real life meets expectations of youth
The kind of thing you have heard about before
Curtain call
The plot is filled with details that have meaning
Only to the actors Dialogues of no universality
You ask what good it does? And the point?
So they think and carry on their play
Till it gets serious and obstacles arise
Battles are fought compromises made
And the end is yours to imagine You say
You are divided between experience and hope and love
The chapters are not numbered anymore
The story grows painfully dull and embarrassing
For all outsiders like you and you turn around in
Your seat saying ‘I am leaving see how my wife is keeping
Thank you for the play I cannot stay it is not mine’
The protagonists carry on for it makes sense to them
Their serious play advances and the plot finally (?) thickens
They take it in their own time what do they care about unity
They both do rage against the dying of the light
That they cherish more than anything
The ending is not written
It lies between what will happen and what might
You leave the theatre to hurry back to your beloved
Who needs you more than anything in her age, her fragility
You are the strong one now
And her who you need so, her tenderness, her beauty
The love you share and keep rekindling
The play goes on in its own way the outcome is up to you
What will you do? What is your ending?

Monday, 11 June 2007

Place and Season


I have left to Bucharest for a week. Upon leaving I find myself looking at everything again, in the hope to remember everything, should I not return. As much as I want to leave at times, I have grown very attached to the place. One woman told me that she was like salcam, that she could put her roots anywhere and feel well. I wonder to what extent that is true for me?
The lushness of those trees and all the climbing plants on the houses make me want to have very special drawing abilities that could capture all the windings and shadings and colour shades perfectly. They even have vines, despite the altitude at which we are. I am forever amazed by the way in which seasonality still makes sense in the village I have now been staying at for about four months. The products correspond to certain times. Winter was the time of nuts and onions and cabbage. We had salcam honey, then the apple trees started to flower. Now soc is in bloom, and people prepare a kind of pancakes with these flowers that I find absolutely gorgeous. The garden is full of salad, spring onions and the tomatoes are starting to grow. The prune trees are full of little green bulbs that stick into the air. While I got more cascaval in early spring, now I get strawberry jam and honey. Soon we'll have cherries, and I cannot wait...